It has been crazy
I have been crazy
My body has been making me nuts
The news has landed in my belly and made me sick
Worry has become the prison in which I am kept
Panic is the salt in my food
Soap is my drug of choice
Sanitizer is my manna from heaven
Texts tether me to loved ones
Or just the musings of the internet
Pictures of my children and grandchildren are my oxygen
Well, those are some of my thoughts. Here is another one, from Morning Money, a news feed I get: “GOOD WEDNESDAY MORNING — Or whatever day this is. Nobody knows. Days no longer have meaning. Time doesn’t really either, as far as MM can tell. It’s always corona-day and corona-o’clock.”
To say nothing is normal is both true and not true. In this unbelievable time, I brush and floss, vacuum and make my bed, do laundry and dishes and even save my coffee grounds to acidify my soil for the tomatoes that I hope I will plant in two months. I don’t go into stores, or walk in parks, or even visit my mother, something that feels awful. I try to count to 20 seconds when I wash my hands, but maybe I count too quickly.
I have friends who call to check up on me. My kids realized the only way to keep me close to home was to call me daily and evoke awful feelings of guilt, or just boss me around. I accept this worry of theirs and follow their rules.
My congregation has started noon time Zoom teleconferences. The first few were lectures on biblical texts on plagues. Funny. There were 33 callers yesterday, maybe close to a dozen where several members of the same household were on. About 45 people altogether. The most people, the most familiar faces, I have seen in a couple of weeks. The rabbi teared up seeing all these faces. I did, too.
I am scared and I am busy (Zoom time for COPE is a big part of my weeks!). I fight my desire to shut down and watch HGTV and the Weather Channel all day, two things that DO NOT make me anxious. I am also able to manage to listen to my meditation apps and walk in the neighborhood. I have not found it easy to be optimistic right now, so I am trying to just manage my anxiety. And the more I manage my anxiety, the more hopeful I become.
I don’t know if these are inspirational words or maybe echoes of your own thoughts and feelings. Either way, I could use the company. Adam Rabinovitch, our Executive Director, always reminds our families to “stay connected, you are not alone.” He’s right, now more than ever. So, if something I have said has connected us, then I am glad I am not alone.
Please take care, be smart, stay safe and fight the isolation. Stay in touch. I look forward to hearing from you.
My best,
Sandy Wolkoff
swolkoff@copefoundation.com
