The voice heard in my silence –
The pandemic we are all facing is challenging but allows for some rare opportunities of self discovery. I have taken many walks by myself where I contemplate the events and meaning of my life. My future seems uncertain. There is concern as to whether the company I work for will stay in business. Do I retire or find another job if that is even possible? The feeling of isolation from family, friends and a normal reality weighs heavily upon me. I worry about loved ones getting sick and possibly dying. From this train of thought it is a short leap to thinking about my entire life. What have I done, where am I now, and what do I want for my future? My honest contemplations of life led to a deepened desire to examine it all. What stands out the most in my life review is my son Adam’s passing and the emptiness it has created.
Quarantine, six feet of separation and social distancing are the terms dominating our consciousness in 2020 and continuing in 2021. Feeling isolated is natural under present circumstances. When Adam passed away eleven years ago I felt isolated in my grief and pain. I was surrounded by many loving people but their love could not penetrate my numbing hurt. There was a numbness that encased my heart and caused an emotional paralysis. I was alone within myself. My thoughts were foggy, my feelings were numb and a sensation of a surreal reality permeated my consciousness. Looking back I realize how similar things are today to what I experienced eleven years ago. I was socially distant from all people and quarantined within my own essence.
Because of the pandemic I spend a great deal of time by myself. Self imposed isolated is difficult and I need to frequently think of the long term goal. Stay healthy because a grandchild is on the way. Stay healthy because you have potential to live for many years and can be productive. Stay healthy to honor Adam’s spirit.
Isolation is challenging but offers the opportunity for self contemplation.
With a new year beginning and relocating to Long Island,new goals have been set and a new chapter of my life Is beginning to unfold. This past May 21st was the 11th anniversary of Adam’s passing and a broken heart dominated all I thought and felt. I was deep within myself that day and the several days leading up to the dreadful anniversary. I found myself adrift within my own inner silence.
Within that silence I heard a voice coming from my heart. This voice was saying “I’m hurt and I yearn for comfort, for peace of mind.. Even after 11 years of healing I’ve come to realize that I’m still in a state of convalescing. Perhaps this is the way it will always be. I cannot imagine ever being complete after Adam’s death.
I was very connected to my son. It would be accurate to say there was a spiritual bridge from heart to heart that linked our souls.
I can dance, travel and be funny but there is still a gaping hole in my heart that is ever present. From that broken heart a voice can be heard. Ironic how suffering and joy can coexist. It was this realization early after my life changed forever that enabled me to resume some level of normalcy. There was no chance of avoiding the pain but perhaps I could infuse some happiness into a horrific reality. My inner analysis and perseverance to regain my life were largely successful. With all of my efforts I realized that I will always be a work in progress. I will never totally heal. They are so many times since Adam’s passing where in my inner world of isolation I hear another voice coming from a world of silence, “I’m hurt and I miss my son”. The voice continues to say “It’s been too long since we’ve been together, laughed, acted silly and talked about life. I can remember your smile and feel the joy in my heart as we connected but all of this is just a memory. I miss you.”
So speaks the voice of my heart in the silence that encases by entire being.
In my silence I hear a voice.
– Rick Jacobs
So many families at COPE have lost children and siblings, and the holidays are always so difficult for people. Many of the siblings in my group have talked about how their parents ‘canceled’ Christmas after their loss.
So many families on Long Island are in need – they may not cancel Christmas but the priority is a roof over their heads and food on their tables. Kids can’t understand that, and they shouldn’t have to.
This year has been especially hard on so many families, regardless of any existing socio-economic factors; as much as it has sucked for each of us, there is always someone out there who has had a harder time than I have had, than you have had, than all of us have had. I know that is hard to remember in the blur of life, but it’s true (as cliche as it is, and I hate cliches).
COPE’s mission is to help parents and families living with the loss of a child. COPE is more than an organization – more than the staff, the Board, the volunteers and donors.
We’re individuals – so what’s OUR mission?
I know individuals don’t need to have missions (actually, I think everyone should have a mission but I meant it’s not required in order to be a person), but we’re individuals who have been supported and guided by complete strangers during a time in our lives when we needed that most.
And wouldn’t it just be so great to support someone else, a complete stranger, during a time in their life when they may need it most?
– Jen Schwartz, COPE Ambassador
Click here and add your generosity to support kids in need this season.
I’ve had conflicting thoughts throughout my life about what happens when we die. After my brother, LB, died, a friend told me about a recent experience she had with a medium. Since then, I’ve had two readings from different mediums; but really, I’ve had two hour-long conversations with my big brother.
During one reading, my brother said something which the medium responded to aloud. I reacted to the medium’s response by muttering to myself and rolling my eyes (both trademarks of my dry sense of humor). At the same moment, the medium laughed out loud and told me the last thing my brother said which caused him to laugh. In that moment, I thought of all the other times my brother and I shared the same quick-witted response to situations- those were times I laughed to myself while he caused an entire room of people to crack up. Even in his death he can make people laugh more than I can.
My brother talks to me about things most people wouldn’t know. I drink too much coffee; the hazelnut flavor I enjoy is too sweet for him, but he appreciates my routine. He knows I always use the same mug and that I don’t need to look when I pour or add things to my coffee. I fill the Keurig with water after every time I use it even though it’s always empty when I go to make my coffee. He can’t believe how long I drink coffee when I am at work, but he wants me to know that he sits with me every time I “power it up” at the office. An “interesting choice of words to describe making coffee”, the medium tells me, but the words made perfect sense to me. I don’t make coffee at work, I only reheat it in the microwave; the medium didn’t know that but my brother did.
LB talks to me about things I don’t even know. He told me he spent Halloween with one of his nieces who did something “gothic”. That meant nothing to me. A week later in a video text from my daughter, I noticed something on the inside of her wrist. I asked her about it and she told me she treated herself to a new tattoo, on Halloween: a symbol representing Freemasons, a secret-society whose roots trace back to the Gothic Period and whose symbols are prominent in gothic cathedrals.
My brother told me I live a good life; he knows I can laugh, and often do, with my family. He knows because he sees it every day; he also sees me when I am driving in my car listening to “that” song and sobbing uncontrollably- and he’s sitting there next to me.
Is my brother really standing next to me in my kitchen when I make my coffee or watching me at work when I heat it up? Did he really go with my daughter on Halloween when she got a tattoo? Does he really sit shotgun when I go for my crying drives to nowhere? I’ve started listening to podcasts while I drive and I use different coffee mugs every day; in case he’s here, I want him to see I’m trying new things again.
What happens when we die? Is there an afterlife? How much can we believe in or trust an idea- something we can’t see or touch? There’s no good answer to those questions because there’s no way to prove if a concept exists or doesn’t. It isn’t lost on me that my brother, or perhaps just the mere thought of my brother, in his afterlife, which I know may only exist in my imagination, is helping me relearn the concept of living my life- one cup of coffee at a time.
– Jen Schwartz, COPE Ambassador
A Poem from Cris Camplin to her Son Bobby
So today (8/14/19) is my son Bobby’s angeldate. 18 years have gone by.
…without you the earth rotates…the moon is full and glows…the shooting stars twinkle…the clouds float…the sun warms my heart…the breeze cools…the rain falls…the grass grows…the seeds root…the flowers bloom…the eagle flys…the river flows…the tides change…the oceans crash…the poets dream…the children play…the babies cry…the crowds roar…the ears hear…the pulse beats…the eyes gaze..the lungs breathe..the mind churns…the heart yearns…the tears dry…the days renew
Without you, life goes on I look at your picture to spend time together! Without you, I look forward to dreams of visitation Without you, I stay connected through heartstrings Thoughts, feelings, emotions of gratitude fill my heart with this radiating loVe….You my son are mine for all eternity!!!And I love you foreverAnd I changed my story….I am not without you!!!Today and everyday I celebrate your lifeI am filled with the pleasure of being your mother!!!And that will never change…. My son…. I love you so…. and I am never without you!!!
From Paula Bruckner
This September 6th will mark the 13th year of the date that changed my family life forevermore. It is the date that our beloved Adam Daniel died. He died alone (?) in his car in East New York from an overdose. We don’t know if he was alone because there was zero drugs or drug paraphanelia in his car suggesting that he was not alone. I detest the fact that probably someone left him to die. He was in a McDonald’s parking lot and too many hours passed before it was reported and the ability to save his life was gone. I will never know the truth & it is one of the many sorrows I carry within my broken heart.
Because of Adam’s addiction and the way he died, I committed my life to addiction awareness. Too many people do not understand that it is a disease and if it does not directly affect them it is of no interest to them. When I lived on Long Island I gave talks to concerned friends and families of those struggling to help their addicted loved ones through the County Narcan training.
A few years later we retired and have tried to make a fresh start in Florida. Away from my old neighborhood where everywhere I turned there was a reminder of Adam and what was left of our once intact family.
Sadly there is a major addiction problem in Florida and there is no organized places to go and advocate for NARCAN. So I do whatever I can to erase the stigma of addiction and talk about my family, how we all were affected by this disease and what we have done since to keep our remaining family intact. My hope is that by being so very open about the addiction crisis that it will open up peoples minds not to feel alone & ashamed.
I also want people to remember Adam, the 24 short years that we physically had him in our lives, not just the addiction.
It is not uncommon for addiction to run in families, my daughter is an addict and has been in & out of the legal system, rehabs, etc. Her name is Kaitlin and if you could all send a positive thought to the universe on behalf of her I would greatly appreciate it.
For all my brothers & sisters in grief I wish you signs from your loved ones and peace.
- Paula Bruckner
Our loving son Kenneth
This was a letter written to our first grandchild Kelsey, who was named after her Uncle Kenneth.
I thought now was the appropriate time to tell you a little something about the person for whom your Mom & Dad have chosen to name you after. He was born April 29, 1964, three years before your Dad, & although we had another name in mind for him, your Great Grandmother Adele (my Mom) suggested the name Kenneth. And so Kenneth Michael Lacks was born. It’s hard to put ones thoughts & memories into a letter, but I will try to do him justice. It was not long after he was able to walk & talk, it was obvious to all that Kenneth was a very special child, very curious, quick to learn, but also very, very gentle & loving. As he grew into a young adult he developed a great zest for life & a wonderful sense of humor. He was a very talented piano player, artist, & an excellent swimmer. He also had a love for the arts & sciences. As soon as he was old enough he began to travel the world, non-stop, displaying that zest for life. If it was high enough for him to climb, he would climb it. If it was a long enough distance to run, he’d run it. If there was a challenge to be met, he embraced it with gusto. When I asked him why, he said he loved to challenge himself just to see if he could do it. Kenneth was successful at everything he aspired to do & and I was always in awe of him. It was no surprise when he announced me, not only did he want to become a dentist, but wanted nothing less than to get into Columbia Dental School & vie for one of only four seats available. The rest is history, he not only became Dr. Kenneth Michael Lacks, but he did it at school of his choice & with honors! He was & will always be a very special person in our lives, & so it is with great pride & love that you be given this special gift of being named after your Uncle Kenneth.
Grandma & Grandpa Gail & Chuck Lacks
From Martha Guarini
On September 3rd the most precious boy was born, you brought us so much joy, I miss your laughter, your love, your awesome heart. I could never imagine how much having a child can be so magical. I miss your Hugs, your texts, seeing you around the neighborhood. The unthinkable happened, my life has changed forever, but our memories is what keeps me going. I imagine you being here, being a big brother to your brother and sister. I know you are with us, watching us. Until we meet again️ Love u to the Heaven and back.
I love u Mom
FROM JENNIFER WEBB I lost my brother to cancer almost 2 years ago. Every single day, I think about how much I miss his sarcastic comments, his quick witted insults, his fierce loyalty and his infectious cackle. I could go on and on…
With his anniversary coming up, I wanted to try to find a way to honor Tommy. So; on September 28th, I will be running a 10k in Tommy’s honor. I will be fundraising for a beautiful charity; Sunrise Walks. Sunrise Walks provides an opportunity for children with cancer; as well as their siblings, to enjoy summer camp for the summer. When Tommy was sick, he couldn’t fathom a child having to live with this disease; and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the organization that he would want me to fundraise for.
I know we all see these donation pages every day and we are busy. But please, it takes literally less than 5 minutes. Please help me to keep my brothers memory alive & give these brave little warriors an opportunity to just be kids for a summer. Thank you all in advance for opening your wallets (wide) .
P.S. As I am running, I will be thinking about a very special little girl in our community whom is fighting this disgusting illness right now. Mighty M- we love you and we are fighting with you!!! You got this girl!!!!! ️
Here is the link: https://www.sunrisewalks.org/jenniferwebb/Donate/Tickets
– Jennifer Webb