COPE Camp Erin NYC and Parent/Caregiver Retreat Reflections

Joint Co-President’s Message and Healing Tip

The typical authors of the Healing Tip, COPE Clinical and Program Director Claire and COPE Community Outreach and Engagement Manager Rashida, and one of the two COPE Board Co-Presidents Jen, all spent the final weekend of August together at COPE’s annual weekend-long bereavement camp for grieving children ages 7-17 and at the corresponding optional Retreat for their parents and caregivers. It was Jen’s third year volunteering, Claire’s second year on site, and Rashida’s first. Though most of their time was spent on the Parent/Caregiver Retreat side of the lake, their insights can apply to both experiences. These are their reflections…

Jen ~ Loss is a very lonely place. Memories of your person, your complex feelings about them, the way time stopped when you lost them- all of that can feel so isolating, and when it does, it’s like you’d do just about anything to not feel alone. 

I think so many people head into the caregiver retreat feeling similarly.  It always amazes me how quickly people begin to bond. It happens almost in an instant. For some people, their loss is recent; for others years have passed and for some it has been decades. Every loss is different even when they are the same. 

I think part of what I feel throughout the weekend is a reversal or a shift in that concept. It starts to feel as if everyone’s loss is the same even when they couldn’t be more different. The way people come together to share and listen and support is transformative. The way it feels like time stops when you lose someone- I feel like I am watching time start again for so many. Not being alone is so powerful. 

My favorite thing to do throughout the weekend is to wander off by myself and lay under the night sky.  For as much as I can see above me, I know there is even more that I can’t see, but I know it’s up there, or out there, somewhere.  Sometimes it’s so dark and so late it feels like I am the only person in the universe, except I never feel lonely. Knowing you don’t have to be alone is so powerful.

Rashida ~ I feel a deep sense of gratitude as I process my first COPE Caregiver Retreat. What an amazing experience to be part of supporting and providing space for caregivers who had been pouring so much of themselves into children and others. 

Grief can bring up feelings of being out of control, extreme vulnerability, anger, guilt, relief and more. The ups and downs of losses was a unifying factor over the weekend. Participants freely shared their struggles managing personal grief but also worries for children who were reacting to death in different ways. Difficult conversations were brought up in breakout sessions and group gatherings but also a sense of hope. Fast forwarding to the end of our time together, many shared revelations of the ways they needed to care for themselves and were actively making plans to implement self-care at home. It was a powerful testament to the reminders that no one can be a helper without connecting to the people and things that strengthen, refuel and bring meaning in their grief journeys.  

The Retreat weekend created opportunities for conversation but I especially enjoyed the bonds that were made through a variety of other ways. Shared stories brought laughter and tears but being around a fire making smores, eating meals together, sitting in silence with the glow of memorial candles, creating art, gazing at starlite skies and the beautiful lake all fostered deep connections to each other and nature.  Individuals expressed sentiments of being at peace and feeling supported by all in attendance. Thank you to all that made the COPE Caregiver Retreat an outstanding and nurturing weekend.  

Claire ~ I shared in our final circle two things I was taking away from the weekend. One was the resilience of the children and their caregivers. And not in the toxic positivity use of the term we can sometimes use to try to brush over the real pain and difficulty people might experience hoping they come out the other side OK, but in its real true sense. It took a lot for these children and adults to come and make themselves vulnerable, to share their stories, to admit their challenges, to trust the memories of their special person to strangers. Many of the participants felt like this was everything they had been waiting for and engaged fully in each moment, but some of the children struggled sleeping in a new place, making new friends, and engaging in emotionally heavy conversations. Some of the adults needed breaks during the day because it all felt like a bit much and as good as it felt to talk about their person and feel seen, it also was hard to manage the emotion. But every single one of them made it through the weekend with joyful moments, moments to be proud of, ideas of how to connect with their person, their child, and their grief. Every one of them gave a little bit of themselves and took something home with them. That is the intersection of resilience and post-traumatic growth. 

The second insight I shared was that in twenty years of running retreats and groups, I am always amazed to watch how the participants in just a few days or a few sessions become so connected, so bonded. It is why group work is so different from individual therapy and so special. The group is composed of individuals, but the group itself becomes its own unit, its own being. It is a very special process and allows for such a deep level of support, comfort, and vulnerability.

One of the participants mentioned the high that can come from groups and retreats and the fallout when it is over, another loss for many. We encouraged the group to be gentle with themselves, taking the moments throughout the week to reflect on the experience, taking their time sharing with others how much it meant to them, and allowing their children the same space to share at their own pace. We encouraged the group to maintain their connections through COPE community events, bringing their children together, or seeking out other opportunities for similar experiences close to home.

We reminded them that they need not grieve alone. COPE, Camp Erin NYC, the Retreat, the grief community is here not just for a weekend or a session or a workshop. And we will continue to be.