The truth is most grievers begin thinking about the holiday season well before November. Many anticipate the absence of their loved one at the table and grapple with decisions on whether to attend social events or perhaps step back from festivities for the year. I often speak with grievers who express uncertainty about how they will proceed. Should they continue with traditions, mindful of not disappointing family members, including children and grandchildren, or should they find a new way to observe the holiday? Naturally, there are a variety of considerations depending on responsibilities and social circles. Here are a few tips to consider during this time, always keeping in mind to honor what feels right for your grief journey.
For those choosing to host or join a gathering, it’s important to remember that not every detail must mirror previous years. It’s okay to have a more intimate gathering, focusing on those who offer safe space for you and your grief. It’s also okay to reduce your personal tasks or contributions to any celebration. For instance, you might decide not to make your special lasagna, which takes hours to prepare, and instead order food from a restaurant.
Set aside time to check in with your body and your needs. Take a walk if the weather permits or find a quiet space to retreat for a moment. Additionally, know that you don’t have to stay for the entire event. If you’re an invited guest, let your hosts know you may leave early. Having this conversation ahead of time sets clear expectations, though you can always decide to stay longer if you feel up to it.
Many find comfort in honoring their loved one by incorporating their memory into holiday gatherings. Ideas include setting a special place for them at the table, lighting a candle in their honor, preparing their favorite dish, or sharing memories and stories. If you’re reading this as someone supporting a grieving person, know that most grievers appreciate having their loved one acknowledged and spoken of during gatherings.
Some grievers may choose to honor their loved one by volunteering their time to help others or by purchasing and giving gifts in their memory. Others may decide on a departure from tradition, finding a change of scenery helpful. Many I’ve spoken to have started new traditions of taking a cruise or traveling away from home during the holiday season.
If you’re inclined to have a more solitary holiday, that’s valid too. Grief is full of ups and downs, and your approach to the season may shift from year to year. Remembering and cherishing special moments with your loved one is not about the food, large gatherings, or decorations—it’s about the daily ways you hold their memory and the impact they had on your life. Wishing you a holiday season filled with peace, hope, and treasured memories that bring you joy.
Rashida Sanchez, MA, LMSW, FT