By Esther Bogin
My son Heath is with me in my good and bad times, even though he died March 8, 2015. The hole in my being (my heart, soul and life) is always with me in my good and bad times. Sometimes this pain is so hurtful that I wonder if it will ever go away. Will I always feel this pain? Sometimes I actually choose to remind myself of this pain when it is overshadowed by my laughter and enjoyment of those “bittersweet moments.” The hole- that missing part – is always with me. No matter what.
Knowing that I will never again touch, hug, kiss and see my son in the physical sense is a reality. Missing my son is also a reality. Most of all, the immense love I have for my son is the biggest reality.
One day I received a text message from a friend who wrote, “…you should read this…” What perfect timing. There is no such thing as a coincidence. At that very moment I was suffering from the cutting edges of the holiday seasons. The quote in the text was sent with no title and no known author, so I called it an ode to my grief. Here it is. “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
After reading it, I had an epiphany. Finally, I was given an answer to my question.: will I always feel this pain? Of course I will. I have to. My love for my Heath is powerful – indestructible – infinite. So is my grief. It is that very grief – the love for my son – that has no place to go except within my heart and my memory. As that love is with me always, so is my son, my Heath.
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