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What You Say To Someone Who’s Grieving Vs. What They Hear
“This too shall pass.”
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If you are reading in an effort to better understand and support someone you care about who has lost a child, it is hopeful that the following will aid you to become better informed about their needs. (more…)
This is taken from an article in Woman’s Day Magazine, October 2, 1990, written by Lois Duncan whose teenage daughter was murdered when she was 18 years old, the victim of a random shooting. Content has been summarized and paraphrased.
- Tip #1: Don’t be afraid of intruding.
- Tip #2: Take the initiative in offering practical help.
- Tip #3: Don’t say, “I know how you feel” or “How are you?”
- Tip #4: Don’t ask your friend to look for a silver lining.
- Tip #5: Don’t say to your friend, “I don’t know how you’re surviving.”
- Tip #6: Write a letter of condolence.
- Tip #7: Be realistic.
- Tip #8: Continue to see your friend socially.
- Tip #9: Recognize that it takes time to recover.
- Tip #10: Be there for your friend, to love and to listen.
This is taken from an article by Betty Baggott. She is a freelance writer and a member of the board of directors of The Alabama Baptist. She is the wife of Bob Baggott, pastor of First Baptist Church, Birmingham, AL
- I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.
- If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused me tears.You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
- I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.
- I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
- I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.
- Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
- I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
- I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved parent,” but will forevermore be a “recovering bereaved parent.”
- I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone – all of which may be related to my grief.
- Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.
- It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.
- I wish you wouldn’t offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
- I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me – maybe you’ll like me still.
- I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don’t know what to do with us.
How Can You Help?
A friend has experienced the death of someone loved. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This brochure will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive actions.
- Listen With Your Heart – Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you
Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend’s healing process. Simply listen and understand.
- Be Compassionate – Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Think about your helper role as someone who “walks with,” not “behind” or “in front of” the one who is bereaved.
Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. Enter into your friend’s feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.
- Avoid Cliches – Words, particularly cliches, can be extremely painful for a grieving friend. Cliches are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like “You are holding up so well,” “Time will heal all wounds,” “Think of all you still have to be thankful for” or “Just be happy that he’s out of his pain” are not constructive.
Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.
- Understanding the Uniqueness of Grief – Keep in mind that your friend’s grief is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by grieving people, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in his or her life.
Because the grief experience is unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to proceed at his or her own pace. Don’t force your own timetable to healing. Don’t criticize what you believe is inappropriate behaviour. And while you should create opportunities for personal interaction, don’t force the situation if your grieving friend resists.
- Offer Practical Help – Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or answering the telephone are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. And, just as with your presence, this support is needed at the time of the death and in the weeks and months ahead.
- Make Contact – Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support grieving friends and family. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say.
- Don’t just attend the funeral, then disappear. Remain available afterwards as well. Remember your grieving friend may need you more in the days or weeks after the funeral than at the time of the death. A brief visit or a telephone call in the days that follow are usually appreciated.
- Write a Personal Note – Sympathy cards express your concern, but there is no substitute for your personal written words. What do you say? Share a favourite memory of the person who died. Relate the special qualities that you valued about him or her. These words will often be a loving gift to your grieving friend, words that will he reread and remembered for years.
Use the name of the person who has died either in your personal note or when you talk to your friend. Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend’s life.
- Be Aware of Holidays and Anniversaries – Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most importantly, never try to take away the hurt.
Your friend and the family of the one who has died sometimes create special traditions surrounding these events. Your role? Perhaps you can help organize such a remembrance or attend one if you are invited.
Understanding the Importance of the Loss – Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend’s life is under reconstruction. Considering the significance of the loss, be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.
“While the above guidelines in this brochure will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a grieving friend will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.
By “walking with” your friend in grief, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts – yourself.”
– Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Life Transition