|In Memory of Jaclyn Scarabino
As we finish planting your favorite colored flowers, where your body rests, I hum “You’re Always In My Head”, Coldplay.
“Life is a bittersweet symphony”, The Verve. (Songs Jaclyn loved)
The pain in my heart makes me unable to breathe but then I do and I hate myself. How can I breathe when my daughter can not?
In this club we have learned we have no choice; we wake, we must take a breath, and so go on. We’re not “strong”. I’ve had words said to me, “I can only imagine your loss. If I lost my child I couldn’t go on”. I answer with a smile, “yes you would”.
I’ve been told to Pray. That prayer has saved many. I answer “so God loved yours more than mine hence my prayers ignored?”
As we go through years of grief we come across words from caring people. These kind people haven’t lost a child. Recently a loving Aunt told my son “your mom puts Jaclyn on a pedestal. Jaclyn knew what she was doing, she knew drugs were dangerous”.
I pray for the innocent to learn.
In my head I hear words learned long ago:
“Please forgive them Father for they know not what they do”.
During our grief (aka rest of our lives), we come across the unknowing and must have compassion and sympathy as once we did not know. It’s exhausting during grieving to give that external support when we so desperately need it ourselves. Did I support others when told such tragic news? I fear not.
As painful situations cross our path it is up to us how to react. Most times no reaction is healthy for me.
A friend who told me a few years back “try to stop crying and telling her story”, recently lost her son. Upon seeing her months later she said “now I understand”.
My Jaclyn left this world July 13th, 2012…yesterday! Still not a day goes by when I don’t think of her. Forever I will think of her as I continue to love my family and embrace every moment each day. My new perspective. It’s painful to know I might be a better person/Mom since losing her but it helps me go on.
I look forward to seeing Jac again someday. I embrace signs from her and find comfort. That’s just me. We are all different. And that’s okay.
Time no longer exists, I don’t count the years hereon. She holds my hand, my heart. Together with love, the strongest bond between Mother and child, we will remain together always. Her favorite colors are mine. She is always in my mind. One day the symphony will only be SWEET !!!