Healing Tip – October 2021

Grounding Exercise

Bereaved individuals often have “grief-bursts,” or a sudden onset of feelings of sadness or sorrow usually triggered by a reminder of their loved one –  a song, picture, or memory. Grief-bursts are normal and expected, but as they can come on without warning they can be distressing and overwhelming. 

Using a simple grounding exercise can sometimes help bring you back to the present moment. These do not need to be complicated or involved; just a brief pause to provide the distance and space necessary to collect your emotions and calm your mind.  One option to bring yourself out of a difficult emotional state is to focus on your physical experience with a quick body scan. Check in briefly with your body from head to toe for 1-2 minutes. Notice without judgment how your body feels, where you are holding tension or discomfort, and where you feel release.  You might also focus on your body’s experience of your external environment by doing a scan of your five senses. Take 1-2 minutes to notice one thing each that you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. Try to notice the little things you might not otherwise pay attention to. Bringing awareness to the sensations you are experiencing can ground you in the present time and place and help you ride the wave of the distressing emotions brought on by your grief-burst. 

You can practice these simple exercises in your daily life so you feel more comfortable with their use during distressing moments. It can also be useful after a grief-burst to return to the processing of that memory or the emotions it elicited when you are feeling in a safer or more comfortable place whether on your own, with a therapist or trusted support person, or through a therapeutic outlet like journaling or running.

Telehealth Update – October 2021

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, COPE’s top priority has remained the health and safety of our employees and the responsibility we have to our clients and communities, especially our most vulnerable members. The arrival of the highly contagious Delta Variant this summer has further complicated our efforts to balance safety and efficacy of our programs. We appreciate the eagerness to resume “normal” operations while honoring the discomfort with in person settings still felt by many. We hesitate to create and enforce policies mandating mask-wearing or confirming vaccination status, distracting groups from their naturally warm, inclusive, and supportive spaces. We also recognize the restrictions and limitations still present in many of our host locations in the community. 

For these reasons, COPE will keep all support groups and workshops virtual until at least March 2022. 

We will have some select events return in person, primarily those that are outdoors and allow for social distancing.

Though we lament a time where we have been able to be together supporting each other in one room, our work over the past year and a half has supported the research studies that indicate that telemental health is equivalent to face-to-face care in many settings and can serve as an acceptable alternative when necessary. Throughout the pandemic, we continue to receive new referrals and maintain strong membership in our groups and workshops. Additionally, we see the positive opportunities available in telehealth, as we are able to serve a broader range of clients and eliminate some barriers to accessing support services. 

Our goal is and will continue to be to work toward a return to in-person services for our groups, workshops, and events while considering the possibility of retaining some virtual options to continue to meet the needs of our clients and community. Especially during a time of so much need for grief and bereavement services, we appreciate your continued commitment to our organization and the support of the services we are dedicated to providing. 

Adam Rabinovitch, Executive Director
Claire Sharkey, Clinical Director

President’s Message – September 2021

We are nearing the end of a difficult summer season. This year, many of us lived through record breaking heat, dangerous storms and floods, and fires out west that destroyed communities and blanketed the whole country in smoke. And of course, there is still our microscopic nemesis and it’s offspring, Covid-19 and its variants, who stay with us like unwanted marauders.
Much continues to be written about living with the sustained fear and tension of such challenges. So many have lost so much that dreams seem out of reach. As we move from one season to the next, let us remember both the loss and hope that we carry with us. I can think of no other way to make it through these times than to hold on to our gratitude for the gifts in our lives and use them to keep us upright during times of despair.
At COPE, we are staying upright. We still have all our groups meeting and we have a wonderful new clinical director. Our board continues to work to keep us strong, and COPE family members are volunteering their time to work on our committees. While our Camp Erin NYC summer weekend program for children and their caregivers did not include our usual overnight experience, we still ran an amazingly successful one day program with nearly 70 campers, caregivers, staff and volunteers working together to offer children, ages 7-17, a grief healing experience.
On October 3, 2021, we will again have our Annual COPE Walk at the Long Beach boardwalk. This fundraiser was started by our COPE families to support each other and assure the sustainability of our programs. Our walkers have always formed family and friend teams and this year, our supporters can create virtual teams to raise the funds to support all that we do. Visit us at www.copefoundation.org to see how to join us. We may still need to wear masks, but we can do it.
For all the families living with the loss of child who come to COPE, and all of us who live with sorrow, I hope that we find ways to hold on to laughter and love and connect to others. Our journey should not be a solo one.
Wishing you well,
Sandy Wolkoff, PhD, LCSW-R

Healing Tip of the Month – September 2021

“Identifying and Supporting Your Individual Grieving Style”
It has become a commonly accepted idea that there exists a number of different learning styles. Some children learn better through listening, others through watching, and still others by writing or actively participating. We have come to understand that when it comes to learning, one size does not fit all, and children will respond differently to alternative learning methods. Teaching to different styles can better support children in their educational experience and set them up for the most success. 
The same can be said for grief. Grieving comes in many different forms, influenced by personality type, community, upbringing, culture, religion, and available resources. We are all unique individuals and thus, the way we cope with our grief will also be diverse and varied.   
In order to learn our own grieving style and process, we can first look to our past to inform our present. It is not about reinventing the wheel; we already have our own roadmap for coping with difficult experiences. Grief might be unlike what we have been through before, but the tools may be transferable. We can draw on the people or things that were helpful then and avoid the ones that proved to not be helpful in the past. 
We can start by asking ourselves, what are other challenges or difficult life transitions I have faced in the past? This transition could be a loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or a move to another city. Next, we can consider, during that experience, how did I cope? What helped? Who helped? What or who did not help? Perhaps at the time we felt that reaching out to support people and talking about the experience was useful or perhaps we preferred to process internally through writing, prayer, or meditation. Maybe it was easier to be with friends who had shared experiences or maybe we struggled with comparisons and preferred to be with those who did not. Maybe we wish we had sought out informal or professional help sooner or given ourselves more time to adjust or heal before jumping back into being social. Perhaps cleaning, organization, and taking care of mundane tasks like laundry or grocery shopping gave us a sense of control or break from our stress or maybe it was easier to allow others to step in to help so we could fully focus on our coping.     
Considering our past experiences and learning from them will be a good place to start, but since we are constantly evolving individuals and resources in the past may not be available to us now (including possibly the support of the person we are grieving), it is important to next ask these same questions of ourselves in the present. How am I grieving now? Maybe we are highly expressive in our grief and find ourselves crying frequently as this provides a healthy release. Or maybe we express our emotions in a controlled or therapeutic way, channeling it through music, art, or exercise.
Perhaps the grief always feels near to us or maybe it is kept at arm’s length until we feel that we are in a safe space and ready to allow it in.
What is important to me? Is spirituality or religion an active part of my life and will I find comfort in leaning on this community? What or who is helping? What or who is not helping? Are we setting healthy boundaries with those around us and asking for help from the people who we think will be supportive? Does it help to be around people or to have quiet time on our own? Are there activities that feel like a healthy distraction from our grief that brings relief when we engage in them such as spending time in nature or quality time with family. What is available to me? Do I live in an area with access to supportive programming in my native language or can I connect online? Are there parks, trails, or gyms nearby? Do I have childcare or flexibility outside of work to engage in these things? What are my triggers? Are there places, pictures, or topics that will unexpectedly bring us back into our grief and can we give ourselves space from them or prepare ourselves for when we cannot? How am I grieving differently than the others around me? Is their grief experience keeping me from processing my own?  
Purposefully engaging in these conversations internally or with others can help us identify our own unique style of grieving and then seek out the corresponding support. We often know what will not work for us, but it can be harder to know what will. Examining the coping skills we have used throughout our lives up to this point and exploring our own unique personality traits and set of beliefs can help us begin to identify those strategies that can help us in our grief journey.

President’s Message – May 2021

May brings Mother’s Day so I googled “who started Mother’s Day” and learned that a
woman, Anna Jarvis, daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis, started Mother’s Day as a way of
honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. I know certain holidays are just
so challenging for many people and this is a big one. The endless stream of scenes of
laughing, loving mothers and their children is just overwhelming for bereaved parents
and those who mourn the loss of their own mothers.

I just got off a Zoom workshop offered through the new partnership between COPE and
Pinelawn Memorial Park, entitled “How Long Does Grief Last”, presented by a journalist
and bereaved parent, Mark Henricks (ok, this transition is not as strange as it seems.)
Mark lost his 16 year old son, Brady, about five years ago, and maybe as a way to
manage his own grief, began to study the research on how long we grieve. I was afraid
he would tell me that I was supposed to grieve exactly four years and six months, or
something so specific and precise that I was sure I would fail “grieving”. He didn’t. He
did say many of us feel better, slowly and over time. Mr. Henricks said that the research
he reviewed reflects that some bereaved parents, over a four to nine year period, felt
70-90% better. By better I think he meant that we weren’t crippled by our emotions and
we could work and laugh and well, function. But, as you can see, it never goes away for

I remember the moments that I could begin to feel my life trying to push up through the
weight of the grief that followed my loss. Like the spring daffodils that just blossomed, or
the perfume of the lilacs that embrace us as we walk by them, my dreams, my
connection to those in my life, also began to blossom. I will always cry about losing my
son Steven, but I don’t cry every day. I will always yearn for one more hug and smile
from him, but my heart is full, in no small part because of the presence of my younger
son and daughter and their families. June 21, 2021, will mark the 13th anniversary of
the tragic accident that ended my son Steven’s life, but when I look back at the awful
first days, months and many years, I am stunned that I am so lucky to have some
simple joys of living grow in my heart as well.

This May, on Mother’s Day, I will think of own mother, very frail and near the end of her
time. And I will think of my children and grandchildren and the wonderful, amazing,
tireless mothers my daughter and daughter-in-law have been during this awful
pandemic year. I will also be grateful for my work with COPE and the laughter and tears
I have shared with so many of my fellow grief travelers—mothers, fathers, siblings,
grandparents, friends.

This Mother’s Day, let’s remember to love all our children– the ones we can hug and
the ones that we wish we could. Let’s love all those whom we cherish. As my friend
Sherry Radowitz has said since she lost her son, Jesse: I am still your mother. Every
day really is a mother’s day. Let’s not be so afraid of it this year.